I have lived a fairly unconventional life in many ways as a person with some heavy genetic disabilities and growing up on a farm with not a lot of money. As I've grown older, I very much needed time alone to show up for my self-taught physical therapy, serious illness survival, and deep emotional/spiritual introspection to free myself from suffering.

I have watched friends and family share their big achievements throughout my adulthood and it's always so nice to see and keep up with them online. However, since my heart transplant in 2020, I lost the autonomy and safety that I once felt and I was fragile and needy in a way that terrified me.

The same bits of news about people I love have kept me feeling disconnected from my own story when I get stuck scrolling on social media all day during low energy or high pain days (of which there were countless). I have felt like an anxious zombie, both longing for connection and terrified of rejection from the living. "How could regular people possibly understand what it's like to carry so much trauma and reminders of death?," I would often tell myself.

Six years later after so many scary challenges, I'm finally feeling safe in my body and it is helping me let go of how desperate I was for external validation that I'm actually alive.

I belong here and so do we all, unconditionally, but I do find the modern world can be lonely and hard to grasp. I think everyone can relate to that loneliness even if they can't relate to my specific experiences.

#folk #rva #acoustic #singersongwriter #guitar #acousticonetake

Sometimes being grown up Seems more lonely each year I know I have friends But they all disappeared To work on their families and careers

The length between calls to catch up Feels much longer each time I'll talk to you soon Is a hopeful line We tell each other even if it's a lie

Overt desperation Makes me feel like a fool Their lives seem so full But mine is too I should just be grateful I still know friends from school

I've been trying my best to reach out But I know it's not about me If you're listening Call when you're free

I see their photos online Some folks make posts every day Weddings and babies Or vacation stays And more rarely that someone passed away

Voyeuristically Watching my friends doesn't help Maybe I'll take my phone Put it on a shelf Walk into nature and Connect with myself

The fresh air clears all my thoughts I take a deep breath and exhale These Notifications Feel like a mental jail I come back inside To a new voice mail

I should probably see Who was calling me There's no caller ID Wonder who it could be Is it the pharmacy Are my refills ready Did a friend win money Or did they hit a tree Is this an invite to tea Hopefully Because I'm free

I play the message on the speaker And it says

We've been trying to reach you about Your car's extended warranty If you're interested Give us a ring