Based on someone else's tweet (literally, the title) that was too good to pass up, so inspired by a true story - just not mine.
Remember when your mother drove us
To Scotty’s Skate Castle on a Friday night?
We rolled in circles to Metallica and “Ghostbusters”
Underneath the spinning disco lights
And on the way home we held hands in the backseat of that wood-paneled minivan
But time moved on, and so did you and I
Now my middle school girlfriend’s wanted by the FBI
You hadn’t crossed my mind since,,, 2013?
It might have been a bit longer yet
But then I saw you in that cell phone footage
All over the internet
Climbing through a broken window, shouting “Stop the Steal!”
In Pelosi’s office, taking selfies with her seal
Now I don’t feel so bad that you dumped me for Jimmy Bly
“Cause my middle school girlfriend’s wanted by the FBI
I guess it’s insurrection that I’ll taste upon my lips
When I think of you, and not cherry chapstick
I’ll play Mariah Carey like it’s 1995
‘Cause my middle school girlfriend’s wanted by the FBI
Somewhere she fell victim to Q and the big lie
My middle school girlfriend’s wanted by the FBI