Random Jokes until the site disappears…

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  • @candle  3 weeks

    So every year at Christmas we do a "Secret Santa" at work. This year I got a Desk Calendar filled with jokes & puns ('cos I'm always dropping bad puns/jokes at work). I figured I'd share some here before FAWM hibernates for the Summer/Fall. Feel free to add your own gems.

    Why did the mad scientist cross a chicken with an electric organ?

    So he could have Hammond eggs.

    😉 😂

    See You In The Shadows…

  • @candle  3 weeks

    My ex-wife is still missing me.

    But her aim is getting better.

    See You In The Shadows…

  • @ustaknow 3 weeks

    Knock, knock...

  • @candle  3 weeks

    Rest in peace, boiling water. You will be mist.

    See You In The Shadows…

  • @ustaknow 3 weeks

    Who's there...

  • @candle  3 weeks

    Fortune tellers are so easy to buy clothes for. They're all mediums!

    See You In The Shadows…

  • @candle  3 weeks

    Who's there?

    See You In The Shadows…

  • @ustaknow 3 weeks

    Okay, no ones into knock knock jokes that you may never see the who's there of..., so since started with a chicken:

    Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?
    Because they lactose!

  • @ustaknow 3 weeks

    To late... 😉 (kept hitting refresh, ...)

  • @ustaknow 3 weeks

    Okay, here's one for Cody, the flying pig:

    Why did the pig take a bath?
    The farmer said, “Hogwash”!

  • @candle  3 weeks

    I guess it was just a ghost at the door then, @ustaknow 😉

    See You In The Shadows…

  • @ustaknow 3 weeks

    Okay, Oklahoma jokes 😀 hahahahaha.....

    - Jumper Cables. If you carry jumper cables in your car and your wife knows how to use them, you may live in Oklahoma.

    - Tornado Warnings. If you see a tornado warning on the television but don't get too excited about it until you actually SEE it coming toward you, you may live in Oklahoma.

  • @candle  3 weeks

    How would you describe a situation where a young Frauline is indecently approached by an Herr?

    She slappen zi Deutsch…

    (For those German FAWMers out there 😉 )

    See You In The Shadows…

  • @ustaknow 3 weeks

    Okay, Jokes about "New Joisey", one liners 'cause we don't have any fcuk'n patients 😉

    - Okay, so we’re not all a-holes. But we do get grumpy from time to time.

    - This might just be the most accurate map of New Jersey we’ve ever seen. (there's a visual, however, if from NJ, you'll get that w/o it 😀 )

    - What smell?

    - Traffic is bad enough without all the Philly people over here.

    (You did say "bad" jokes? 😀 ) Not so bad...

  • @ustaknow 3 weeks

    Okay, now Canada... some I don't get, some I do... I been lost in CA. (However, I have to say, VERY helpful folks to strangers... so 😀 or then, they were.)

    Okay:

    An American couple are driving across Canada and they get lost while exploring the prairies. They see a farmer on the side of the road, so the husband pulls over.

    "I'll go ask him where the next town is," he says as he gets out.

    He walks up to the farmer and asks,

    "Hey there, can you tell me what the next town is called so my wife and I can find it on our map?"

    "Saskatoon, Saskatchewan." the farmer says.

    The man walks back to the car and gets in.

    "Well honey, where do we go?" his wife asks.

    "I don't know," the man says, "he doesn't speak English."

  • @ustaknow 3 weeks

    Okay, so now "Amerika" and I can reference any of the EU countries, since have family in many... esp the below:

    - Why do Germans love Americans? because Americans are the most hated people in the world now.

    - What do sex in a canoe and American beer have in common (asks a German, I edit in here)? They’re both fcuking close to water.

    😀 I love that last one, so, funny.

  • @ustaknow 3 weeks

    Okay, I'm done for a while, or I'll have to fire myself. 😐

  • @cts  3 weeks

    I'll put this out there simply because...

    Q: Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
    A: It was dead.

    I know, I know...

  • @quork  3 weeks

    "Knock knock"
    "Who's there?"
    "Interrupting cow"
    "Interrup.." "Moooooo"

  • @fuzzy  3 weeks

    Why did the dog bite the Magma fan in the neck?
    Cos he was wearing a Hamtai!!!
    Hahahaha!!! 😀

  • @fuzzy  3 weeks

    Sorry about that one.
    It's difficult to find good Progressive Rock jokes.

  • @ustaknow 3 weeks

    Q. What do you call a group of alligators that get together to sing parody songs?
    A. Pun-croc-ers!

  • @nadine 3 weeks

    A rock band lost the keys to the backstage room where all their stuff is in. Their drummer is trapped inside.
    Singer: "Let me in!"
    Drummer: "Sing our last song and you'll enter."
    He starts to sing, and the door immediately swings open.
    Guitarist: "Please let me in!"
    Drummer: "Please knock as hard as possible, so I may know it's you."
    Guitarist slams into the door, nearly crashing it. He slides along the door, falls down like a rocstar. His fellows let him in.
    Bassist: "Please let me in!"
    Drummer: "Please knock the rhythm of our last song."
    Bassist starts to knock. Pauses. Randomly knocks again.
    Drummer opens the door.
    Guitarist: "I wouldn't had let him in. He screwed up completely!"
    Singer: "He didn't even hit the tones!"
    "Yep. That's why I let him in. Everyone else would have been able to knock 'we will rock you'".

    P.S. I have a big heart for bassist! These jokes are just awesome.

  • @tesla3090  3 weeks

    My favorite stupid high-brow pun:

    A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I see you in here a lot, are you an alcoholic?" The horse, clearly offended says: "I think not!" and *poof*, dissipates in a cloud of smoke.

    Now, normally this would be where all the philosophy nerds start laughing because they're familiar with the famous statement "Cogito ergo sum", or "I think therefore I am".

    But if I'd explained this to you beforehand that would be putting Descartes before the horse.

  • @ustaknow 3 weeks

    Okay, here's a long one 😀

    A horse is sitting at home, bored, watching MTV...
    He's watching a heavy metal music video, and the guitarist plays an amazing solo. The horse says "that looks amazing, I want to do that!"

    The horse goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play guitar." Says the horse.

    "Sure," says the man on the phone. "Just come to your lesson and we'll get you started."

    "There's just one problem," says the horse. "I'm a horse."

    "Not to worry," the man says. "We have new state of the art technology to teach horses. You'll be playing like a pro in no time."

    Sure enough, the horse gets really good at the guitar and he can play that amazing solo. He wants to show his friends, so he picks up the phone and calls chicken.

    "Hey Chicken, come over!" he says. Chicken comes over, watches horse play the guitar and thinks it's pretty cool. Chicken watches the music video and says "hey, that drum part is pretty cool, I want to learn to play that."

    Chicken goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play the drums." Says the chicken.

    "Sure," says the man on the phone. "Just come to your lesson and we'll get you started."

    "There's just one problem," says the chicken. "I'm a chicken."

    "Not to worry," the man says. "We have new state of the art technology to teach chickens. You'll be playing like a pro in no time."

    Part one of two

  • @ustaknow 3 weeks

    Part two of two

    Sure enough, the chicken gets really good and begins to jam with the horse. Eventually, they think that something's missing. They watch the video again and realize they need a bass guitarist. They call their friend Cow and show them what they've been up to. Cow thinks it's pretty cool, and wants to learn how to play the bass guitar.

    Cow goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play bass guitar." Says the cow.

    "Sure," says the man on the phone. "Just come to your lesson and we'll get you started."

    "There's just one problem," says the cow. "I'm a cow."

    "Not to worry," the man says. "We have new state of the art technology to teach cows. You'll be playing like a pro in no time."

    Sure enough, the cow gets really good at the bass and the animals have a nice band going.

    One day, while they're practicing, a man walks by and hears them. He goes up to the animals and says "hey, you guys are pretty good! I'm from a record label, I'd like to sign you!"

    The band records an album, puts out some singles and becomes a massive success. They go on a worldwide tour and make tons of money. Right before the last show of the tour, which is supposed to be in Vegas, Horse gets a call. His mother is in hospital.

    Horse goes to visit her before the show while the rest of the band goes to Vegas to set up. It turns out that she's all good, it's just a cold. As horse is leaving the hospital, he gets another call. The private jet that was carrying the band and their producer crashed into the ocean, and there were no survivors.

    Horse is devastated. All of his best friends are dead, he's out of a job and he's stuck with nowhere to go. He breaks down in tears and decides he'll drink himself to death.

    So the horse walks into a bar.

    The bartender asks, "why the long face?"

  • @nerdjealous  3 weeks

    A group of young lads dressed as lighting bolts step up front of the queue at a Christmas ball. The Bouncer says "Sorry, you can't go in there."
    "Why's that then?"
    "That's a snowgo area"

  • @quork  2 weeks

    A group of snails visited New York City for the first time. While walking downtown they were mugged by a gang of turtles.

    Can you tell me what happened? a cop asked.

    I don’t know, said a snail. It all happened so fast.

  • @nerdjealous  2 weeks

    @quork 😁 ill be borrowing that one 😁

  • @quork  2 weeks

    @nerdjealous It's all yours. It came from a list of top jokes from around the world. I believe this was chosen the best of all. It's so ridiculous it's hilarious.

  • @tuneslayer  2 weeks

    Arnold ßchwarzenegger, Sylvester Stallone and Bruce Willis are having lunch one day at the Old Action Heroes Club. They were discussing their next upcoming roles.

    "I'm gonna play this composer guy, name of Brahms," said Stallone.

    "What a coincidence," says Willis. "I'm playing a composer too. I'm gonna play Beethoven.

    "What about you, Arnie? You gonna play a composer?"

    "Yeah."

    "Who will you be?"

    "I'll be . . . "

  • @tuneslayer  2 weeks

    There's this new rewtaurant in town called Karma. There's no menu. You just get what you deserve.

    I had reservations, but I went anyway. I told them I wanted a Nirvana Pizza. Make me one with everything.

    So I gave the cashier a twenty dollar bill and they thanked me. "Hey," I said. "Where's my change?"

    "Change must come from within."

    (That's four different jokes combined into one. Probably too much of a questionably good thing.)

  • @tuneslayer  2 weeks

    @quork I sent that joke to my sister who is known among her friends for always having a silly joke at hand. It is now part of her arsenal. 😀

  • @tuneslayer  2 weeks

    OK I've got one more I'm sure everybody can relate to. Seen in an Internet chat room:

    ModeratorSam: Hello William446, welcome to the chat room!
    William446: THANK YOU, I'M HAPPY TO BE HERE
    ModeratorSam: Um, William446, can you please hit your caps lock key?
    William446: OH HEY COOL, NOW I DON'T HAVE TO HOLD DOWN THE SHIFT KEY ALL THE TIME.

  • @quork  2 weeks

    @tuneslayer Excellent!

    In the same vein, a guy was watching TV one night when there was a knock at the door. When he opened the door there was a snail on the welcome mat. He picked up the snail and threw it as far as he could.

    Three years later the guy was watching TV when there was a knock on the door. He opened the door to find the same snail.

    "What the hell was that for?" said the snail.

  • @quork  2 weeks

    @tuneslayer I'm loving the Karma restaurant joke/s.

  • @dzdandcunfsd  2 weeks

    @ustaknow that was a long ass walk to get to a horse walks into a bar joke 🤣

  • @berni1954  2 weeks

    A drummer is getting sick of just bashing sticks on skins and feels it's time he learned a melodic instrument. He has heard the ukulele is a fun thing and easy to pick up. And after all, it's got four strings and we only have four fingers.

    So he goes into a store and says:
    "Hey, can I have a look at your ukuleles?"
    "The store manager stares at him and says:
    "You're a drummer, aren't you?"
    "Yeah, man! How did you guess?"
    The manager smiles and replies:
    "Because this is a butcher's...."

  • @ustaknow 2 weeks

    @dzdandcunfsd 😀

    Funny, on so many levels, TLTR why 😉

  • @aeye 2 weeks

    Why does the earth make fun of other planets? cause they have no life.

  • @tuneslayer  2 weeks

    When you play the banjo, you collect a veritable plethora of alleged banjo jokes. I say "alleged" because it's hard to tell which are jokes and which are honest, factual reporting. Here are a few. Judge for yourselves.

    Q: What's the difference between a banjo and a macaw?
    A: One is loud, obnoxious, noisy and never shuts up. The other one is a bird.

    Q: What's the difference between a banjo and a Harley?
    A: You can tune a Harley.

    Along those lines: A banjo player spends half their life tuning their banjo and the other half playing out of tune.

    Q: What's the one tool guaranteed to improve the sound of a banjo?
    A: Wire cutters.

    Q: What's the difference between a banjo and a trampoine?
    A: People take off their shoes to jump on a trampoline.

    And my favorite:

    Q: What's the difference between a banjo and an onion?
    A: Nobody cries when you cut up a banjo.

  • @spinhead 2 weeks

    Know the difference between a concertina and an accordion?

    The concertina is easier to light but the accordion burns longer.

  • @rshakesp  2 weeks

    How many FAWMers does it take to change a lightbulb?

    One more than you thought - cos the lights were due to go off a week ago!?...

  • @ustaknow 2 weeks

    So, as it happens, I transitioned from hardcore city life to farmland, surrounded by farmers. Naturally, I'm going to put in a garden.

    I got a neighbor to help me, an old retired farmer. We were going at it and he tells me to go get a Hoe. I said, a Hoe? I'll go find one.

    About two hours later I return.

    The farmers like, "my God, two hours?!, where you been?

    I said, well, finding a Hoe around here, well, it ain't easy.

    The farmers says, "well, okay, but, - who's she?"

    😐

  • @candle  5 days

    Saw that one coming @ustaknow 😉

    What's the difference between a Stratocaster & a Telecaster?

    Don't worry, Meat Loaf couldn't remember either when he killed that boy with a Fender guitar (love that song!).

    See You In The Shadows…

  • @ustaknow 2 days

    @candle - ah what a mind thinks, aye 😀 ..., everyone had a tractor, but no hand tools, she wanted to see the two fools pulling weeds by hand 😉 (but they rode over on her tractor, - gotta love a women with a well maintained Massey Ferguson Compact in the 'ole barn... )

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