How do you lot do it!? Responsibilities?
@nerdjealous Feb 17
I mean, stay in a job, have relationships longer than two months?
What amazing powers do you all hold that I simply cannot tap into!? 😝
Shame there's no crapart version of working and holding down jobs and relationships!? Damn I'd probs be good at those hah!
Honestly I don't know if something in my childhood wrecked me, I was given a lovely undiagnosed issue I've yet to find out about. Etc.
Then again I dunno if it would even be worth having these things since I see a lot of people get hurt and wrecked from their careers and partners leave them in the lurch!!
One thing I have issue over is how I see even my friends lie, cheat, and are flighty, and I wonder maybe that's why I don't have these things. Maybe I place too much importance on stuff that ultimately doesn't matter. Maybe I am too honest, too try hard, too weird??
Any advice on how to not care so much would be appreciated!!
@wylddandelyon Feb 17
Keeping a relationship is about finding someone whose quirks and yours lead to you both supporting each other in a way that feels natural and nurturing to both of you.
Finding a job you can keep is about assessing your quirks and making them work for you. What do you love doing, where you can put your anxieties and your obsessions to work instead of having them be in the way? Once you have identified the mountain you want, then ask yourself what path you need to set your feet on to get closer to it, and keep it in mind when making choices--will this job, this volunteer work, this class (etc.) get me closer to my mountain or farther from it?
Also, a relationship doesn't spring into life whole like a fantasy castle granted you by a genie. You have to look for (to continue the analogy) a clearing, a person you can work with to build the relationship you both want, and once you get it started, you have to keep working on it, adapting to changes that happen, together.
There's no easy answers for how to have a fulfilling life, I'm afraid, but day by day, decision by decision, you can move closer to your goals.
@dzdandcunfsd Feb 17
I tend to just go on a bender when it all gets overwhelming 🤣, but wouldn't call that advice, or even recommend it really. I've also had more crappy jobs/friends/relationships than I could ever remember in one sitting as well, so good luck! Maybe you'll get some advice that's actually helpful. Just one day at a time my friend.
@theodamus Feb 17
It's huge! It's big stuff, its not easy answers, and (at least in my experience) it takes a lot of fkng up and starting again tbh. I'm in the most stable place I've ever been in right now, and honestly what got me here was alllllll the unstable horrible awful places and times where I couldn't hold down a job, my relationships sucked complete ass and I just wasn't functioning no matter how hard I tried. Self care is doing some of what you need to do to get by, even when it sucks, and doing some of what you need to do to live and not hate living - keep writing music, keep making art, keep looking at stuff that makes you happy or inspires you. Self growth is keeping on moving - even if its backwards, or in a circle, or in the dark, keep moving because you might not feel like you're going anywhere but you will realise one day you aren't in the same place you were. Also, sometimes you just need to say fk it and do what you want even if its not what you "should", it's important. So whether thats all good advice I dunno, but I relate friend
@estebanlartigue Feb 17
longer than 2 months? what is that?
@pearlmanhattan Feb 17
I'm un-relationed- full time unpaid caregiver and mom to a son with disabilities, and have no life outside of my own apartment - Relationships are overrated. It seems you fall into them or you don't. Just do what makes you happy and if it's meant to be (relationship or job) you'll figure it out or find it. Life is a marathon, and it's about the journey - we all end up at the same destination eventually - so make the journey the part that counts.
@franniezest Feb 17
I don’t know if this is at all helpful but I like to think of work/job as a means to an end and not expect to ‘love what you do”. I think that’s an unhealthy expectation we are fed.
Granted - finding work we don’t Hate is important! And I have no advice on that.
@zecoop Feb 17
@franniezest - 100% for me and my jobs my whole life. Don’t get me wrong, I have enjoyed my jobs most of the time (and have been at the same company for nearly 30 years) but my job has only been something to support my life, hobbies and family.
I also took a big long break from music when my kids were little and only got back to it in 2011 when they were old enough that I had some time. That’s when I found FAWM.
Last piece is a wonderful wife. We support each other and she encourages me to enjoy FAWM. We make sure to spend time together too. You can’t JUST do FAWM. 🎵🎶
@persaab Feb 17
Enjoy your life
It’s the best one
Enjoy your life
It’s the only one
Enjoy your life
No one can live it better
So enjoy it....
Or have a long relationship kids, marriage ect. Got cheated and dirvoced. Get fucked angry alcoholic and hate everything in life.
@tunecat Feb 17
Erm the only thing to add is that those "friends who lie, cheat, and are flighty" sorry to say it but if that's the case.. maybe you need some new friends?
There's a lot more I could say but don't want to preach or give directions. I'll have the conversation further though if you wish - by email..
@emkaydeebee Feb 17
To add to all the above... much like we’re all doing through fawm, practice, practice, practice! You won’t find yourself feeling more comfortable doing something if you never allow yourself to experience it. And there’s that thing where to truly appreciate the highs in life, you have also to embrace the lows (or the potential for lows). I kissed a lot of frogs before finding my husband, and I know how much of a good thing he is for me as a life partner because I have experienced what doesn’t work for me.
Re work... I’m self employed because I don’t enjoy working 9-5 for a steady wage. (I enjoyed the steady wage, but the means to get it didn’t work for me!) I continue to be self employed because I’m good at what I do, good at relations with people, and good at paperwork (invoicing!). But again, I’ve worked in (experienced) a variety of environments to discover where my heart truly lay. And often learnt the most by sticking it out for a year when I wanted to leave after a few months, so that I could then examine and pinpoint exactly what it was that I didn’t like or feel comfortable about (this is specifically work I’m talking about). Only by going through that could I then make really firm and informed decisions on what matters to me.
All within reason of course; I’m not in any way advising intentionally entering in to toxic situations, nor remaining in them.
@gubna Feb 18
I lost my job at the end of the year, it had been 7 years. Before that, it was 13 years, before that 2, and before that 6. So, it’s about four jobs since 1992. I’m still not working. I have to look for work. If there was some other way I could make enough to get by for awhile, I wouldn’t want to work for anyone anymore.
I doubt that’s gonna happen.
@ustaknow Feb 18
😀 all, so interesting.
@sheamiejay Feb 18
Looks like you have the makings of a good song there. Write what you know and know what you write. Be kind to yourself, you deserve it.
@nerdjealous 7 weeks
A little follow up:
I feel that people more likely to lie and cheat in some areas in life are likely to lie and cheat in others. I find this a scary concept. Like I don't wanna go into a relationship thinking that at any point I can find out they're unfaithful. But the other thing is that people see relationships as disposable, as just a means to get back at an ex, or to end an existing relationship. What happened to morals!? Lol manipulation seems to run through many people's relationships, and I don't wanna gamble that and think it won't happen to someone I believe to be responsible or have at least a moral duty to be able to be trusted. Tbh I'm now very glad to be in a position where I can enjoy my life in the best way I can, without obligations to others who are users. And also I feel like this can make me look entitled to others. Truth is Ive got standards lol but maybe to the detriment of myself in their eyes. I'm quite happy knowing that one day it'll happen the right way. Anyhow, that's where I'm at now. Thanks for providing your perspectives, I've read them all and taken them on board
EDIT: Wrong word
@daveyboy103 7 weeks
I'm old with grown up kids and I am currently being locked in my house by my fucking government.
That and an understanding partner.
@yam655 7 weeks
@nerdjealous If you want good, healthy relationships, my first piece of advice is to clean up your own shit, and look for people who focus on cleaning up their own shit, too. Too many people are all about unhealthy expectations, and wanting their partner to magically make their own shit disappear.
I'm talking about deep, meaningful, personal development work. Stuff that addresses: Who is at fault when a job or partner mashes one of your buttons and suddenly you're thinking of a repeating story from your past? Do you get caught up in it, lost in the drama? Or do you look for the underpinning cause of it all, and do you have the tools to make a change?
People who focus on cleaning up their own shit don't blame other people for it. There's no "trying to fix" another person. Buttons get mashed, and instead of re-enacting an old story, they can talk about what is really going on.
When neither of you blame the other for how you're feeling, when there's no "you made me feel" bullshit, when you've built some emotional trust, you can talk about deep, authentic feelings and build emotional intimacy. Emotional intimacy is where the research points successful long-term relationships focus.
@guatecoop 6 weeks
I was once in your place. I went to a mentor and friend and told him of my latest struggles with friendships and relationships, completely expecting to hear sympathy and outrage. However, he just asked me when I was going to start choosing people who were in a better place. I thought that it was dismissive at the time, but over time I found that my decisions were more choices rather than hopes. It helped me. I may have fewer close relationships in general, but I have more trust and support, which helps EVERYTHING.
@nerdjealous 6 weeks
@yam655 good points about the sorting stuff out. I find things that got in the way in the past has helped me grow in areas of my life now I've been dealing with them through self reflection and action. I believe in goals as a way to improve oneself, and skills can increase self esteem and confidence. I've found I naturally work towards things now that I've seen the rough times, and every day lately I seem to learn a bit more about myself and the world stll!
I love a quote I saw online somewhere, and it was about a couple who had got together early in their lives, and found that had they spent the time learning about themselves first they both feel they could have gotten to their higher level of emotional maturity sooner.... They are happy now, though are aware of their flaws that brought the difficulties that they could have learned sooner had they been less likely to jump the gun, as it were.
@yam655 6 weeks
@nerdjealous It can be a lot of work. It's totally important work.
When you love your own company and you can meet your own needs, there's no risk of coming off needy or desperate when you meet someone new. After all, you want to not only meet the right person, but also be available when you do.
@kahlo2013 6 weeks
My wife and kids are amazing in that they let me lock myself away for the month to be selfish / I work tons of hours and any waking moment when I am not working I am messing around on FAWM. Luckily I can by on little sleep for long periods of time and can multitask and write quickly so most of my FAWM activity is done at night; as soon as I wake up, and in any moment sitting at red lights, driving through starbucks lines, etc. usually I try to play more instruments but work this year was really busy so generally just wrote very quick lyrics. Thank goodness for generous collaborators and for a family that not only gives me space to selfishly indulge but also helps me survive - making me meals, tolerating my messes, doing my laundry. They know it makes me happy and they know I will be there for their times...
@quork 6 weeks
Lots of hard-won wisdom in this thread. I’ve screwed up a time or two, spent quite a few years alone, but started to get my act together and met and committed to a great woman later in my life. I like the idea of self reflection and spirals: repeating similar situations over and over, but learning a little or a lot each time, so the circle isn’t a circle but a spiral and a journey. And unfortunately the times we learn the most are the ones with the most pain (which I guess is a silver lining). And the worst seems to be when I feel stuck and motionless. But later I’ll see I was actually coiling to spring forward. So good luck to you in your journey.