February Album Writing Month - FAWM.ORG

*Jackasses with Horns

Greg Landgraf

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Tagged As:

musical comedy ukulele nsfw

Challenges:

Week 1: Jobs

Liner Notes:

Way happier with this one than my first. This song contains the core idea that inspired "Unicorn City", which is the musical that I'm writing my FAWM songs for. The background that you need for this one: There's a baron, who's a bit of a jerk, and he's captured a stable full of unicorns, and there's a stableboy to care for them. And while most people think the unicorns are beautiful and mystical and all that, the guy whose job it is to take care of them has a, shall we say, different perspective. So this is his hate song.

I'll count this under the jobs challenge; it's at least within an obvious metaphor. (I'm employed by an association of a profession that is generally quite well regarded, but, well, I'm far too often mistaken for a complaint department, or a complaint department for a completely unrelated business.)

I'm also calling it NSFW, just to be on the safe side. It's not all that NS... in this context, "jackass" wouldn't even be a profanity. But, you know...

Lyrics:

Every evening, forty-seven minutes past the break of dusk.
Half a mile away you’ll be assaulted by the musk.
Don’t show early or the monsters won’t be yet asleep
But get there late and you won’t have time to feed and muck and sweep.

Special hay bales, that’s the only grub they deem fit to consume
Treated with rosemary, comfrey and a single orchid bloom.
They won’t frolic if they do not get the perfect blend
It all smells the same once it get out of the other end.

Because

They’re not noble.
They’re not bright.
They’re all stubborn
And they’re full of spite.
Stupid blooming bloody unicorns.
Jackasses with horns

“They’re so gentle” all the stupid little girls are proud to squeal
Til they see you, then they’ll try to butcher you like you were veal.
Horns as sharp as baselards, each one aimed at your spine.
They gave me three belly buttons two in front and one behind.

Oh-oh-oh

They’re not noble.
They’re not bright.
They’re all stubborn
And they’re full of spite.
Stupid blooming bloody unicorns.
Jackasses with horns

In nightmares I hear them
Bleating a scheme
I wake every a-after-
Noon in mid-scream.

And then I arrive here
In moonlight’s gleam.
They’re plotting someting
A wicked regime!

I can tell you think that I am influenced by all this booze
But I swear that I have more than thoroughly a-paid my dues.
Fifth time you get bit you will not think they’re cute no more.
And you’ll want to join me in my one-man holy equine war

You’ll see that

They’re not noble.
They’re not bright.
They’re all stubborn
And they’re full of spite.
Stupid blooming bloody unicorns.
Jackasses with horns

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third time lucy 6 days ago

I like this, it's clever
garyjugert 1 week ago

REALLY? Crap! I didn't know this about unicorns. I guess I'd bought into the marketing without even knowing. I feel victimized. I think I will learn this song just to sing it to my nieces and have the adults freak out.This is a keeper. Keep working on it.
Captain Vulpine! 1 month ago

Ha! I like the concept, and you're smithy with them words!

Cheers!
Jeff Landgraf 1 month ago

So Dude, what have you got against unicorns? Hmmmm... Actually I think you gave plenty of detail about that in the song. Very funny song.
Greg Landgraf 1 month ago

Chorus chords are A-F-C-G-D7-E, in that order.
Elaine DiMasi 1 month ago

"single orchid bloom" genius. What's the progression in the chorus?
Erik Didriksen 1 month ago

This is flat-out *hilarious*. Jeff warned us New York FAWMers about your musical adventures, and he certainly didn't sell you short. This is awesome; and I'll be humming this one all day tomorrow. Brilliant stuff!